Not alone
The paper in my in-laws home town prints tweets. I think a lot of us might have thoughts about that, but that's not got me wanting to write. What got me wanting to write was this specific tweet.
It's funny, right? I sure thought so. Of course, part of what makes it funny is the truth of it—the truth that, for the most part, men in our culture aren't very good at building healthy, meaningful relationships.
Now, I'm generalizing. I get that. And I'm confident that the statement is going to ring true for a lot of folks. it's going to ring true because it is true. I encounter this in my work with men all the time.
Guys talk about their lack of meaningful connections. They talk about not having others in their life (except maybe an intimate partner) that they can confide in or get help from. Asking for help is generally off the table. They talk about their loneliness. Their isolation.
The thing is, when we feel isolated, we often feel like we're the only ones. Like there's something that we missed when we were younger, and everyone else got it. This came up in a recent conversation in a men's group that I facilitate. Each of us in the group, to a man (myself included), had experienced this very feeling. It reminded me of Brad Aaron Modlin's poem What You Missed That Day You Were Absent from Fourth Grade.
The English lesson was that I am
is a complete sentence.
But we aren't alone. We are, for the most part, in this together. We are surrounded by other men who are feeling this exact same thing. And this is the kicker: because to do the "obvious" thing would be to turn to someone near us, and say, "hello." Or to call someone we do know and engage them in our first podcast. I mean, a meaningful conversation.
Thing is, for many men, this feels out of reach. Or the path just doesn't make itself clear. It certainly feels like it betrays something about our unspoken understanding of what it means to be a man. Reaching out isn't something we do. It's not something we're supposed to do.
And most of us have to fight our way through the reality of that conditioning to find the kinds of relationships that we need in order to feel fully in our lives. The thing is, we can't do this alone. And here is where we find our way into paradox. Into a bind. If we can't do it alone, but we've been conditioned to not reach out for support, what's a guy to do?
Well, there's always Man Park. Yeah, another bit of humor that hits home kind of close. All too often the burden of helping us find our way lands on the shoulders of our female partners or friends (not to be heteronormative here). We've got to begin to find our way ourselves.
My hope for men who are feeling isolated, feeling unsure of what to do or where to go, can find their way to a group that is built to support building these capacities. If you're one of those guys (or know one), there are lots of places. My group Men Connecting is one. My good friend Jordan Ferreti has a fantastic training, The Uncrowned, that's another. I'm happy to share resources for more if you're interested.
Having meaningful conversations (not to mention meaningful relationships) is a birthright of every human, regardless of gender. Our culture, for a variety of reasons, has made that especially tricky for those of us conditioned as men. Perhaps, together, we can begin to change that. After all, we probably have enough podcasts to last a little while.
p.s. I’m working on a couple of podcasts. Stay tuned. 😉
